Tuesday, September 11, 2012

It's a deep sad

It has been almost two months since my last post. Life has been crazy. The little one is growing quickly and she is a perfect little person. I adore her more than I ever thought was possible.

Being a parent is the most amazing experience that I've been blessed to have. Sweet husband and I have always wanted a little group of kids so this summer we decided to try again for baby number two...and it happened QUICK! We found out we were pregnant just before heading out on vacation and we were thrilled to death.

Unfortuntely, it was an ectopic pregnancy. I woke up last Sunday with intense pain in my abdomen and kidney area and headed to the emeregency room where I found out that I would have to undergo surgery because the baby made his or her home in my fallopian tube and the tube was rupturing and they would have to remove my tube and that the baby would not survive. It was the worst day of my life.

Two doors down from me in the OR was a woman giving her child up for adoption. I overheard the doctor telling the nurse she didn't want to meet the baby. I was, and am, overcome with grief and hurt. Here I was grieving a baby that I wanted and this woman refusing to even see her baby that she was giving up.

It was put perfectly by my sweet friend and college roommate, it is such a deep, deep kind of hurt. One that I am not sure I will be able to get over or move past.

I do know how blessed I am to have my precious little girl, but I also know what I am missing out on. I know the sweet, perfect little life that I will never get to meet or watch grow up. I'll never know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I will never know who that baby is.

For now, my heart is confused. It's sad and overwhelmed at our loss. It's happy and blessed to have what I do. It's angry and hurt that I wanted a baby so badly and lost it when women are having babies they want nothing to do with.

I feel like life is a rollarcoaster and I'm on the big drop down.

For now, I'm off to enjoy my baby girl. I've come to realize I may need her more than she needs me.


Kristen said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. Sending prayers your way.

Stephanie said...

So, so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the deep hurt that you feel. Thinking of you and your family. Hugs!

Laura@Cowboy Boots said...

our baby would have turned 2 next month...not a moment goes by that i don't think about him or her..

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending you good thoughts.

Melissa said...

Wow, so sorry about your loss. Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel...the pain hurts deep inside your heart. Vince and I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 and a half years. Thanks to lots of expensive fertility treatments, we finally got pregnant, only for the heart to stop beating at 7.5 weeks. My coworker then announced she was pregnant (and wasn't even trying!!) on Sept 6 and my D&C was the very next day. I wanted to crawl into a hole. I still grieve, and fear it will take another 2 and a half years for us to get pregnant again. But, we have to trust God's plan, and be thankful for all he has blessed us with. I'll be praying for us both!

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