Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I'm not pregnant.

I was hesitant to post this but it's what's on my heart and mind today, so here it goes...

I'm not pregnant. I know, a lot of people aren't and it's a strange thing to say. But I'm not pregnant. This weighs on my heart like a ton of bricks and it makes me sad. Daily.

Getting pregnant with Lainey was really easy. I had an easy pregnancy, for the most part. My delivery was tough but it was successful. After almost 51 hours of labor, I had a happy, healthy baby and I survived. What more could you ask for?

I took that all for granted.

I assumed having another would be easy. We've only been trying since July, going on month #5, but I am not where I thought I would be. I thought that I would be announcing on Facebook, planning for my anatomy scan and excited to make Lainey a big sister.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of July. It happened so quickly but in the blink of an eye, I was rushed into emergency surgery and my baby was gone. (read about that here)

My heart aches for the baby I lost and it longs to have another baby to love. Not to replace it, just...I don't really know how to explain it.

I know so many people who have had difficulties, honestly, before having Lainey, I had a feeling I would be one. After having her, I knew getting pregnant and having a baby would be easy.

Why would I ever think that?

Who ever would assume getting pregnant is easy?

You never know how the words "when are you having more?" can sting. You never think about that kind of thing until you or a friend goes through it. I had a friend who had a struggle finally getting pregnant with her sweet boy and it wasn't until her that I thought to keep my "When are you having babies?" to myself. But to constantly hear "it's time for another" and "When are you going to make Lainey a big sister?" sucks.

Lainey is incredible. She is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me, the best thing in my life. Thinking about how much I adore her completely overjoys me. I don't discount her or feel that she isn't enough.

She is enough.

But it doesn't change the fact that I want more, or that I will never meet the one I lost.

It's still hard.

10 comments:

FromGrandmaWithLove said...

It will happen when you least expect it, don't try so hard stress can be a factor. The good lord will answer your prayers when the time is right. I'm so sorry you lost your little one a few months back, I know how devistating that really is. Give your body time to completely heal. I will say a prayer for you and hope down the road I read a very uplifting blog from you =) God Bless!

Linda Chapman said...

I know how you feel! It took me 5 years and fertility drugs to get pregnant with Amber. While I was wanting a baby with every fiber of my being......our pastor's wife (who was even older than I and NOT wanting another child) announced she was expecting. I felt like I had been slapped. You can't HELP the desire....it doesn't do any good to try NOT to want to be pregnant! If God gave you such a strong desire - trust that in HIS time it WILL happen. That's what I kept telling myself and it DID happen. The after 3 years of trying I had my son. God can make a way when there seems to be no way. You feel what you feel. Feelings aren't right or wrong -they are feelings and you have every right to feel as you do. Prayers that your dreams WILL come true and that God grants you the desires of your heart!

Caroline said...

Prayers for you. I know how hard it is.

Kristen Denise said...

I can totally relate to this!!!! I always thought that it would be so hard to get pregnant (if I could get pregnant at all). I didn't have any reason to think that other than I wanted a baby so badly, now that I'm pregnant, I'm obviously overjoyed but I too worry about being able to have more kids...love how the blogging world shows us that other people thing the same things as we do!

Lindsey said...

Aw friend, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I am praying that it happens soon for you! HUGS!

Melissa said...

I know how you feel. After two and a half years, I can tell you it doesn't get any easier - but it's okay to be sad. Eventually we will find out God's plan for us. In the mean time, staying hopeful and praying is the only thing that has helped us through this time - and the occasional glass of wine ;)

Kristen said...

First off I love the new look (this is the first time I have logged on via compouter versus phone in a while)

Secondly, I feel ya. We started trying when C turned one, so this is our second month of "trying" which is one month more that we had to do before I got pregnant with Caleb. It is so hard when people ask if we are ready for another one, or when we plan to have another. There is really no great way to answer.

People say "don't stress" which is silly, of course when things aren't working it is the only thing that you can think about. But just hang in there an know that it WILL happen!

*hugs*

Mateya said...

Praying it happens for you soon!

Maddie Rae said...

I found your blog through a comment you made on someone else's blog. I too know the sting of words and how opposite of easy getting pregnant can be. Next month will mark 8 years of miscarriage and infertility. and due to other medical conditions, I have been put on a clock...one year, 12 months and we have to stop. I actually wrote about it today and I am starting a project next week called the infertility prayer project. I may be something that works for you in this time. I hope you get pregnant soon, but I also hope that in the meantime God is able to show a slight reasoning of his plans.

Maddie Rae said...

I just realized I was signed into my personal account and not my blog one. my blog is tingeofwhimsy.blogspot.com



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