I was hesitant to post this but it's what's on my heart and mind today, so here it goes...
I'm not pregnant. I know, a lot of people aren't and it's a strange thing to say. But I'm not pregnant. This weighs on my heart like a ton of bricks and it makes me sad. Daily.
Getting pregnant with Lainey was really easy. I had an easy pregnancy, for the most part. My delivery was tough but it was successful. After almost 51 hours of labor, I had a happy, healthy baby and I survived. What more could you ask for?
I took that all for granted.
I assumed having another would be easy. We've only been trying since July, going on month #5, but I am not where I thought I would be. I thought that I would be announcing on Facebook, planning for my anatomy scan and excited to make Lainey a big sister.
I found out I was pregnant at the end of July. It happened so quickly but in the blink of an eye, I was rushed into emergency surgery and my baby was gone. (read about that here)
My heart aches for the baby I lost and it longs to have another baby to love. Not to replace it, just...I don't really know how to explain it.
I know so many people who have had difficulties, honestly, before having Lainey, I had a feeling I would be one. After having her, I knew getting pregnant and having a baby would be easy.
Why would I ever think that?
Who ever would assume getting pregnant is easy?
You never know how the words "when are you having more?" can sting. You never think about that kind of thing until you or a friend goes through it. I had a friend who had a struggle finally getting pregnant with her sweet boy and it wasn't until her that I thought to keep my "When are you having babies?" to myself. But to constantly hear "it's time for another" and "When are you going to make Lainey a big sister?" sucks.
Lainey is incredible. She is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me, the best thing in my life. Thinking about how much I adore her completely overjoys me. I don't discount her or feel that she isn't enough.
She is enough.
But it doesn't change the fact that I want more, or that I will never meet the one I lost.
It's still hard.
RStheCon A Total Rewind | Day 3
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