I'm not pregnant.

I was hesitant to post this but it's what's on my heart and mind today, so here it goes...

I'm not pregnant. I know, a lot of people aren't and it's a strange thing to say. But I'm not pregnant. This weighs on my heart like a ton of bricks and it makes me sad. Daily.

Getting pregnant with Lainey was really easy. I had an easy pregnancy, for the most part. My delivery was tough but it was successful. After almost 51 hours of labor, I had a happy, healthy baby and I survived. What more could you ask for?

I took that all for granted.

I assumed having another would be easy. We've only been trying since July, going on month #5, but I am not where I thought I would be. I thought that I would be announcing on Facebook, planning for my anatomy scan and excited to make Lainey a big sister.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of July. It happened so quickly but in the blink of an eye, I was rushed into emergency surgery and my baby was gone. (read about that here)

My heart aches for the baby I lost and it longs to have another baby to love. Not to replace it, just...I don't really know how to explain it.

I know so many people who have had difficulties, honestly, before having Lainey, I had a feeling I would be one. After having her, I knew getting pregnant and having a baby would be easy.

Why would I ever think that?

Who ever would assume getting pregnant is easy?

You never know how the words "when are you having more?" can sting. You never think about that kind of thing until you or a friend goes through it. I had a friend who had a struggle finally getting pregnant with her sweet boy and it wasn't until her that I thought to keep my "When are you having babies?" to myself. But to constantly hear "it's time for another" and "When are you going to make Lainey a big sister?" sucks.

Lainey is incredible. She is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me, the best thing in my life. Thinking about how much I adore her completely overjoys me. I don't discount her or feel that she isn't enough.

She is enough.

But it doesn't change the fact that I want more, or that I will never meet the one I lost.

It's still hard.

Confessions of a SAHW

The other day, while out to lunch with my parents and my MIL, we broached the topic of staying home. My MIL also stays home and has a husband who travels for weeks and months at a time. I adore my in-laws and love knowing that they would do anything for us, but I could never keep up with the expectations of my FIL. And I would never attempt to. I would simply work.

However, while on this subject, I came up with 

Confession #2 of a Stay at Home Wife:

Had I married anyone other than my sweet B, I don't think I could be a SAHW. 

People often ask me if I feel guilty for not contributing to the household income or if I feel that I wasted my college degree. The fact is, I do, sometimes. But the greater fact remains that I have a husband who would support me in any direction I choose. I know that he prefers me to stay home, but if I were to say, "B, I got a job," he would be happy for me.

He is never demanding.

I love taking care of him.

I look at others, friend, family, past boyfriends, and I know that I would never take the time to start dinner at noon because I want it to be perfect. Or to iron their shorts (yep, I iron dear husband's shorts).

I have days where I do nothing but go to the gym. Or swim. And he says nothing. 

Then I have days where I spend hours cleaning and he walks in the door and raves about what  a great wife I am. I love taking care of a man who appreciates everything that I do. No matter how big or small.

Yesterday, B and I were talking about magazine subscriptions and I actually told him I wanted to cancel my subscriptions to get a new subscription to Country Living. 

Yes, I do take my role as a SAHW quite seriously.

Confessions of a SAHW

"What do you do all day?"

What? You don't enjoy cleaning?

This is a question I get asked a lot, by a lot of people. I also get the very snarky, "Must be nice." Well, ya know what, it is nice!

Had you told me 5 or 6 years ago that I would be a stay at home wife with no babies, or perhaps, as the case is, a baby on the way, I probably would have laughed and then been instantly insulted. After all, I had a college degree and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

Just over three years ago I married my handsome B and I quit my super exciting job working in communications for a mid-sized petrochemical company (note the sarcasm) in preparation of a move to the big city of Shreveport, La (again, sarcasm). Leaving Houston was not ideal but it made for a great way for dear husband and I to become completely debt free.

I was the only 24 year old I knew that had all of my student loans paid off. Nice.

And I always dress like her.

However, I digress big time!, it lasted about a month before I got really sulky and bored. I mean, you can only clean a 2-bedroom apartment so much. So, I became a nanny to the cutest little boy in west Houston until it came time for us to move and for me to work 6 days a week for a boss who had no clue what she was doing.

Fast forward to two years of working and writing later and here I am. Going on nearly nine months of being a stay at home wife. Yes, "working from home", but honestly, who am I kidding. I am a stay at home wife.

And damn proud of it.

So, I have decided to occasionally give you a little confession from a SAHW, dear readers, so that you can fully understand what it is that I really do all day.

Confession #1:

Some days I don't get out of my pajamas.

And then my sweet husband calls and I look like this....

I hurry to change, get cute, and then put my PJs back on after he sees me looking cute.

Don't hate.